So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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