The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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