Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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