i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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