I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
