everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
