i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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