I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
