New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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