I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
