There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
