I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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