if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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