I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
