No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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