allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
