I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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