she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
