how can u be prego again
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
