My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
