I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
