grandma shit on top of the toilet
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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