dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
