oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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