Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room