I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
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I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
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Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet