Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
