the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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