I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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