if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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