Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
