Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
