dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
