Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
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I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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