I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
