My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
