I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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