i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
