I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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