It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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