i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
