highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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