like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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