just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
