he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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