So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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