Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
