I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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