there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
