Tell her she can't have a vagina
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
