what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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