I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
