you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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