I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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