That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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