i love accidental penises.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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